Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
37,000 ft view
The moon looked amazing as we taxied to runway 18L tonight at DFW. Here I sit again, seat 4F, winging it home to El Paso after only arriving at DFW less than 24 hours ago. I flew in last night, picked up the rental car, another story all on its own, and headed up the road to Lawton. Three and a half hours later I checked into the hotel and crashed. It's been a whirlwind week for sure.
I can't believe that only nine days ago my Ella was born. It seems like time is already running at a break-neck pace. By now most of you have seen some photos, but rest assured, they do not do justice to the miracle that she is. Not intending to discourage anyone from pregnancy, but it really is a miracle. It is amazing to me that you can witness the birth of a child and deny the existence of a higher being. It really is miraculous. Two cells become four, four become eight and seemingly in the blink of an eye there is a living, breathing, crying, and completely dependent life.
I woke up this morning, showered, grabbed a bite and headed to our Ft. Sill office. I was out on the recruiting trail again…we've got more slots to fill… What's a bit ironic to me is that in the current economy, when so many folks are desperate for jobs, we have plenty, but can't seem to find the right folks. In the last month I've been to job fairs across the country and we are still searching. It was a potential success today…time will tell. You know you can never really tell a lot from a one-page resume and 5 minute interview.
As I sit here staring out into the darkness at the lights below I am provided with a unique perspective, and it has set my mind off. I wonder how this all looks from the heavens. I wonder what it looks like to God as He gazes down on his glorious creation. I wonder the thoughts that flood his being. Surely they must be way greater than mine. I look down and see folks driving, the new Cowboy's stadium…"the house that Jerry built", and all the lights from all the houses. I think about the people in them and wonder what's going on in their lives. Are they enjoying a meal with family? Are they just getting home from work? Are they celebrating a child's birthday? Are they watching CNN and wondering how yesterday's election returns will have any effect on their lives? Are they debating investment choices in a tumultuous market? Are they stressed because they don't know how they will pay their light bill next week? I wonder…
After the job fair wrapped up I ran back by the office to discuss eligible candidates and talk about the next steps in the hiring process, chatted with a friend, and jumped back in the rental, headed for DFW. I was able to make it back in time to take the early flight home, saving the company $300 on the rental car, and me three hours of sitting in DFW, most likely paying for internet!
But what does God think when He gazes down on His precious children, all of us. Now, being a father, I have changed my perspective…again…shocker. It occurs to me that possibly this is what God feels when He looks down at us. I think that when God looks down at what He created He is utterly heartbroken.
You see, when I look at my daughter, my precious princess, only days old, I wonder….will she ever, ever know just how much I love her? Will she know I am committed to doing whatever it takes to provide for her? Will she understand the sacrifices that will be made on her behalf? I do not want her to realize all these things because I want a "thank you" or a pat on the back, or anything in return….rather, I want her to know how unbelievably important she is to me and how remarkably proud I will be of her, and how her comfort and well being will be the driving force behind many of my actions. I want her to know that she is loved beyond anything she can ever do and that this love and affection cannot be garnered or earned by anything she ever does or will do.
When God looks down upon us….does His heart break, yearning for us to just realize how loved we are? Does He cry over our misguided efforts to garner His grace? People listen…God is in love with you…each of you. He was in love with you when he started this thing. He was in love with you before you were a pre-cellular structure. He was in love with you from the start. He has promised to provide us with everything we will need. He is committed to do whatever he has to in order to meet your needs. He is made the ultimate sacrifice on your behalf. He gave his Son for you…literally…that is not a fancy literary metaphor…it is history. I think that when God looks down he desperately desires that one day we might all realize just how much He loves us and how crazy He is about YOU!
Think on it………………
Peace
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Ella Grace
Here she is....beautiful and healthy.
You can see more pics here http://www2.snapfish.com/share/p=902261256589162134/l=5086889007/g=40970101/otsc=SYE/otsi=SALB
Peace and love...
Saturday, October 17, 2009
fry-day
"you don't have to be part of the problem, I just need a second chance" - Gavin DeGraw...song at the moment...completely irrelevant to the text below
Why are children enamored with superheroes? We all were or maybe still are. I know when the new Batman came out last year I went...twice...it was awesome. What is it about the "hero" factor that gets us? It is the battle between good and evil, where, most of the time, good wins out? Is it the story of the underdog, the outcast, and the forgotten, who comes out on top? What is it.....
I submit that somewhere deep down we all want a hero. We all NEED a hero. We need something bigger than ourselves to gravitate towards. At the very least, when we are a part of a larger movement, we can often find places to hide when the blame pours down from above....
I think we as humans have this desire bestowed upon us before birth. The amazing/frustrating part is that it takes us so long to figure this principle out. We have this undying urge to aspire....to be a part of something. A superhero to me represents this "thing" to a child. They are the good guys, they have special powers, they rescue people...everyone loves them. It’s natural that we'd chase after that. Isn't that what we all want somewhere down inside? We want to always be the good guy, we want to do things that other people can't, or at least better than everyone else, we want everyone to love us.
As children grow older they sometimes substitute other figures/ideals for their superheroes. There is still this NEED to be attached to some ideal or movement larger than us. For some its America, for some it’s a humanitarian cause, for some it’s an organization, and for others it’s a religion. From where I stand, I attribute this NEED to be my longing for intimacy with God. See, I feel like that is what is at the core of all of our desires, well, at least all our desires could be satisfied there.....but wow that's so hard to believe. So many times we don't realize that God has promised to provide for each and every one of our needs. Not, each and every, except those four....ALL! Again, I say, this is really hard to believe. But I think it is worth discussing because if we look in the mirror at all the things we have tried to replace intimacy with God with, the list is remarkable.
Perhaps it’s time we take a moment, take our pulse and see where our hearts are. Have we gotten caught up in the whirlwind of culture that has lead us to begin replacing our need for Him with short-term satisfaction in things that fade?
Are we trading long-term peace for momentary pleasure?
God, I need you, and we need you to remind us that we need you, and only you.
Peace.
Why are children enamored with superheroes? We all were or maybe still are. I know when the new Batman came out last year I went...twice...it was awesome. What is it about the "hero" factor that gets us? It is the battle between good and evil, where, most of the time, good wins out? Is it the story of the underdog, the outcast, and the forgotten, who comes out on top? What is it.....
I submit that somewhere deep down we all want a hero. We all NEED a hero. We need something bigger than ourselves to gravitate towards. At the very least, when we are a part of a larger movement, we can often find places to hide when the blame pours down from above....
I think we as humans have this desire bestowed upon us before birth. The amazing/frustrating part is that it takes us so long to figure this principle out. We have this undying urge to aspire....to be a part of something. A superhero to me represents this "thing" to a child. They are the good guys, they have special powers, they rescue people...everyone loves them. It’s natural that we'd chase after that. Isn't that what we all want somewhere down inside? We want to always be the good guy, we want to do things that other people can't, or at least better than everyone else, we want everyone to love us.
As children grow older they sometimes substitute other figures/ideals for their superheroes. There is still this NEED to be attached to some ideal or movement larger than us. For some its America, for some it’s a humanitarian cause, for some it’s an organization, and for others it’s a religion. From where I stand, I attribute this NEED to be my longing for intimacy with God. See, I feel like that is what is at the core of all of our desires, well, at least all our desires could be satisfied there.....but wow that's so hard to believe. So many times we don't realize that God has promised to provide for each and every one of our needs. Not, each and every, except those four....ALL! Again, I say, this is really hard to believe. But I think it is worth discussing because if we look in the mirror at all the things we have tried to replace intimacy with God with, the list is remarkable.
Perhaps it’s time we take a moment, take our pulse and see where our hearts are. Have we gotten caught up in the whirlwind of culture that has lead us to begin replacing our need for Him with short-term satisfaction in things that fade?
Are we trading long-term peace for momentary pleasure?
God, I need you, and we need you to remind us that we need you, and only you.
Peace.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
vacancy
My mind is blank...or is it so crowded, moving at such great speed that the blur seems to be a undefined space?
I am blessed.
I am ready.
I am unsure.
I am restless.
I am content.
Sometimes there are words, but no melody. Other times there is a beautiful melody but no words.
I spent most of the day investigating Fire-fighter school. Not sure at all where that's going. Talked to some people, read some stuff, though alot about it. Probably won't turn into anything, but it might turn into everything.
Just felt like I should write something here tonight for the sake of writing. It is healthy.
I am ready for my Ella Grace to be here...I want to rock her. People mock me for being excited and say that I have no idea and that "everything is over, it will all change...." Screw'um. They don't know me. I am not naive enough to belive that it will be the same after, but am not afraid of the change that will come. It may not be culturally acceptable for fathers to show how much they love their kids anymore, but I refuse to participate in that BS. Everyone will know how much I love my children, and my wife. This is my mission.
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I am blessed.
I am ready.
I am unsure.
I am restless.
I am content.
Sometimes there are words, but no melody. Other times there is a beautiful melody but no words.
I spent most of the day investigating Fire-fighter school. Not sure at all where that's going. Talked to some people, read some stuff, though alot about it. Probably won't turn into anything, but it might turn into everything.
Just felt like I should write something here tonight for the sake of writing. It is healthy.
I am ready for my Ella Grace to be here...I want to rock her. People mock me for being excited and say that I have no idea and that "everything is over, it will all change...." Screw'um. They don't know me. I am not naive enough to belive that it will be the same after, but am not afraid of the change that will come. It may not be culturally acceptable for fathers to show how much they love their kids anymore, but I refuse to participate in that BS. Everyone will know how much I love my children, and my wife. This is my mission.
Its blurry, but that was my BB camera. 37 weeks.
A closing word to those who are wrestling....from R.W. "When you die, you wont regret your unfulfilled dreams...just your unattempted ones."
God,
Thank you for my family. Thank you for my Emmi, and my Ella. Help me love them outloud to the world without being afraid of reprise. You know my heart's desires. I wait for you.
Peace.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Higher than a kite
Literally...I am on an airplane somewhere between DFW and ELP. Internet on airplanes is long overdue, and under-rated. I love it. It has been ages since I've had the courage to write on here, but I'm hoping that this will be the catalyst to writing new posts.
News flash....in case you weren't aware....I will be a new daddy in about three weeks! Cannot wait to hold Ella Grace in my arms. There will be many pictures posted. It has been an incredible journey for the last 9 months...
I was thinking the other day, about different activities that I am involved in and things I do. It occured to me a while back that I have a desire to be the best at something. I want to be the best "something" that my friends know...I play golf a lot and I really enjoy it, but I am not the best golfer in my group. I play raquetball with guys from work and rarely beat them. I play music but I would hardly consider myself the best musician among people I know. I graphically design things and see them come to life in various forms, but I am definitely not the best at this. I don't know why I've been going over this in my head lately...but nonetheless I have. I don't know if it is simply a human desire or something with some spiritual weight behind it, this striving to be the best. I was driving the other day and going over all of this for about the millionth time in my head when I stopped and had a realization.
I will probably never be the best golfer, artist, musician, whatever....but I realized I have the opportunity to be the best at a few things.
I have the opportunity to be the best husband that Emily will ever have....
I have the opportunity to be the best father that Ella will ever have...
I have the opportunity to be the best sibling that my brother and sister have...
I have the opportunity to be the best oldest son that my parents have...
and the list could go on. I think what I realized is that, as I have written about before, life is all about perspective. We get the choice with every passing moment as to how we will look at our life. Your perspective will dictate how you respond and react to your circumstances. Narrow perspective leads to ultra-emotional, and sometimes irrational responses. Broad, big picture perspective makes obstacles appear smaller, appear defeatable.
I need to adjust my perspective daily to reflect God's big picture and realize that in my vapor of an existence I can be the best...I just have to choose to pursue it.
Peace
News flash....in case you weren't aware....I will be a new daddy in about three weeks! Cannot wait to hold Ella Grace in my arms. There will be many pictures posted. It has been an incredible journey for the last 9 months...
I was thinking the other day, about different activities that I am involved in and things I do. It occured to me a while back that I have a desire to be the best at something. I want to be the best "something" that my friends know...I play golf a lot and I really enjoy it, but I am not the best golfer in my group. I play raquetball with guys from work and rarely beat them. I play music but I would hardly consider myself the best musician among people I know. I graphically design things and see them come to life in various forms, but I am definitely not the best at this. I don't know why I've been going over this in my head lately...but nonetheless I have. I don't know if it is simply a human desire or something with some spiritual weight behind it, this striving to be the best. I was driving the other day and going over all of this for about the millionth time in my head when I stopped and had a realization.
I will probably never be the best golfer, artist, musician, whatever....but I realized I have the opportunity to be the best at a few things.
I have the opportunity to be the best husband that Emily will ever have....
I have the opportunity to be the best father that Ella will ever have...
I have the opportunity to be the best sibling that my brother and sister have...
I have the opportunity to be the best oldest son that my parents have...
and the list could go on. I think what I realized is that, as I have written about before, life is all about perspective. We get the choice with every passing moment as to how we will look at our life. Your perspective will dictate how you respond and react to your circumstances. Narrow perspective leads to ultra-emotional, and sometimes irrational responses. Broad, big picture perspective makes obstacles appear smaller, appear defeatable.
I need to adjust my perspective daily to reflect God's big picture and realize that in my vapor of an existence I can be the best...I just have to choose to pursue it.
Peace
Sunday, April 26, 2009
carnival ride
I am listening to a cd that I bought almost 4 years and 11 months ago. I am a musical fiend and somewhat of a snob. When I first heard Gavin DeGraw's "Chariot" album it was amazing. Tonight it still brings out the same emotion it did then. This album will forever be linked with a turning point in my life.
I showed up in El Paso late one night in May of 2004. The next 12 weeks changed my life. Interning at Casas por Cristo opened a door in my life that God had been standing outside of for a while, but I had never opened it. Over twelve weeks He took my heart and did some major stuff. At the end of it I sat on an airplane weeping, not crying, but sobbing as I watched the mountains shrink out of view. I knew then what was next for me. God called me and I answered. God did not simply call me to Casas, but to Himself. Casas was simply a vehicle, a stepping stone...a piece of the puzzle.
Tomorrow will be the beginning of a week that will be full of "lasts". On Thursday I will complete this chapter of God's story in my life. After six long months of gut wrenching tension I embraced where I believe God is leading me. I feel like this season has drawn to a close. I came here with a game plan and have executed it. I am proud of everything this organization is and everyone I have had the honor of serving alongside.
People have told me I'm crazy to walk away now and have said things like..."Don't you think God would open another door if He is closing this one?" All I can say is that when God told Abraham to get up and go, He didn't give him a map. I am certainly not half the man who is half the man that Abraham was...but I believe with my whole heart that God can see the road and is leading the way. It is simply our job to follow the lantern.
So where do we go from here? I am praying and waiting. I know that this will be one of the biggest "growth" experiences I have ever been through...God will open the right doors...I just have to be ready to walk through them.
God,
Make me ready, and give me peace.
Peace
I showed up in El Paso late one night in May of 2004. The next 12 weeks changed my life. Interning at Casas por Cristo opened a door in my life that God had been standing outside of for a while, but I had never opened it. Over twelve weeks He took my heart and did some major stuff. At the end of it I sat on an airplane weeping, not crying, but sobbing as I watched the mountains shrink out of view. I knew then what was next for me. God called me and I answered. God did not simply call me to Casas, but to Himself. Casas was simply a vehicle, a stepping stone...a piece of the puzzle.
Tomorrow will be the beginning of a week that will be full of "lasts". On Thursday I will complete this chapter of God's story in my life. After six long months of gut wrenching tension I embraced where I believe God is leading me. I feel like this season has drawn to a close. I came here with a game plan and have executed it. I am proud of everything this organization is and everyone I have had the honor of serving alongside.
People have told me I'm crazy to walk away now and have said things like..."Don't you think God would open another door if He is closing this one?" All I can say is that when God told Abraham to get up and go, He didn't give him a map. I am certainly not half the man who is half the man that Abraham was...but I believe with my whole heart that God can see the road and is leading the way. It is simply our job to follow the lantern.
So where do we go from here? I am praying and waiting. I know that this will be one of the biggest "growth" experiences I have ever been through...God will open the right doors...I just have to be ready to walk through them.
God,
Make me ready, and give me peace.
Peace
Monday, February 23, 2009
bunked
Real quick. Today was a good day. I havn't had coffee in a week and have not had signifcant heartburn.
I am back in Del Rio tonight. We have a luncheon tomorrow for pastors and city leaders here. After that Mikell and I are headed to Phoenix to speak to youth pastors about the impact that short term missions can have on young people. It's gonna be a long week with a lot of miles.
I am laying in a bunk bed in the first baptist church here in D.R.and I miss my emmy. I don't like being away from her. Also, my bed is way more comfortable.
Dad came to visit last weekend and it was awesome. I hit every fairway on the back nine at Butterfield...it was a good back nine. I love my dad. He is a hero of mine.
God is working on me. Not sure yet why or what exactly but I am sure.
That's probably enough fragmented madness for now.
God,
Thanks for my family and for my friends. Thank you for putting people around me who love enough to straighten me out when I need it. Thank you for friends that in the midst of my complaining and anger can just say to me "let me pray for you"...and then do it. Keep working on me...I want what you've got for me. Take care of my emmy until I get home.
Peace
I am back in Del Rio tonight. We have a luncheon tomorrow for pastors and city leaders here. After that Mikell and I are headed to Phoenix to speak to youth pastors about the impact that short term missions can have on young people. It's gonna be a long week with a lot of miles.
I am laying in a bunk bed in the first baptist church here in D.R.and I miss my emmy. I don't like being away from her. Also, my bed is way more comfortable.
Dad came to visit last weekend and it was awesome. I hit every fairway on the back nine at Butterfield...it was a good back nine. I love my dad. He is a hero of mine.
God is working on me. Not sure yet why or what exactly but I am sure.
That's probably enough fragmented madness for now.
God,
Thanks for my family and for my friends. Thank you for putting people around me who love enough to straighten me out when I need it. Thank you for friends that in the midst of my complaining and anger can just say to me "let me pray for you"...and then do it. Keep working on me...I want what you've got for me. Take care of my emmy until I get home.
Peace
Monday, February 9, 2009
I need a tums
For starters, I drank too much coffee today. Recently coffee has been giving me heartburn, and it's irritating. I like coffee, especially when its cold in my office in the morning, but the 2 cups during the afternoon meeting today did not sit well. Also, is it possible for stress to make someone physically sick?
So we are expanding to Del Rio in June. Exciting I know. There is a ton of work to do, but I'm sure it will get done. I feel like this is the right move for Casas right now. God has opened doors and closed others and while the timing is not what we'd planned...His is always better.
Tomorrow will be a hard day. But its nothing that me and God can't handle.
God,
I continue to pray for peace. I trust you completely. You are in the mist...even when I struggle to see my path you are there, bringing light when it is needed. Thank you for seasons of uncertainty...it brings me nearer to you. This prayer is scary and difficult but it is my heart.
Peace
So we are expanding to Del Rio in June. Exciting I know. There is a ton of work to do, but I'm sure it will get done. I feel like this is the right move for Casas right now. God has opened doors and closed others and while the timing is not what we'd planned...His is always better.
Tomorrow will be a hard day. But its nothing that me and God can't handle.
God,
I continue to pray for peace. I trust you completely. You are in the mist...even when I struggle to see my path you are there, bringing light when it is needed. Thank you for seasons of uncertainty...it brings me nearer to you. This prayer is scary and difficult but it is my heart.
Peace
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
mostly cloudy
It is only because of cloudy days that we are able to fully appreciate the full beauty of the sunshine. And so it is with God. The difficult and uncertain seasons only exist to sweeten the beauty and glory that God has in store for us.
I'm pretty sure that its in Romans where Paul says..."Our present suffering could not compare with the great glory that will be revealed within us." Although I'm pretty sure I butchered that...you get the point. This verse has come up time after time in my life and its late, so I can't remember the exact reference. We have to trust that God's path leads to greater things than we can see.
In this time of uncertainty and uneasiness...we must seek God's peace. We have to lean fully on Him and He will make the path straight.
God,
Thanks for cloudy days, or months, or years. God help me to become rivited on you now...not in one area of life but in all aspects. Your game plan is way better and the team you area assembling will be the best. God thanks for friends.
Peace
I'm pretty sure that its in Romans where Paul says..."Our present suffering could not compare with the great glory that will be revealed within us." Although I'm pretty sure I butchered that...you get the point. This verse has come up time after time in my life and its late, so I can't remember the exact reference. We have to trust that God's path leads to greater things than we can see.
In this time of uncertainty and uneasiness...we must seek God's peace. We have to lean fully on Him and He will make the path straight.
God,
Thanks for cloudy days, or months, or years. God help me to become rivited on you now...not in one area of life but in all aspects. Your game plan is way better and the team you area assembling will be the best. God thanks for friends.
Peace
Monday, February 2, 2009
I've never been to Vegas
Just a quick note tonight. Here are the top 10 songs off the ipod today...(in no particular order)...
1. Amen Omen - Ben Harper
2. Put your records on - Corrine Bailey Rae
3. Funk 49 - The Eagles
4. Misery Business - Paramore
5. Oh my sweet Carolina - Ryan Adams
6. Where we belong - Hillsong
7. Anything Goes - Randy Houser
8. Waiting on a Woman - Brad Paisley
9. Careful - Guster
10. Crash and Burn - Sheryl Crow
All highly recommended.
God is good.
Peace
1. Amen Omen - Ben Harper
2. Put your records on - Corrine Bailey Rae
3. Funk 49 - The Eagles
4. Misery Business - Paramore
5. Oh my sweet Carolina - Ryan Adams
6. Where we belong - Hillsong
7. Anything Goes - Randy Houser
8. Waiting on a Woman - Brad Paisley
9. Careful - Guster
10. Crash and Burn - Sheryl Crow
All highly recommended.
God is good.
Peace
Thursday, January 29, 2009
pull
Have you ever felt like God was working on your heart but you weren't sure what was going on? There is an unnerving uneasiness about it. It's as if the things which once would illicet emotion and the tugging of heart strings no longer do. What do you do in that place? What does it mean?
What do you do when you feel like God has begun moving your heart but you have no idea why or where?
Hopefully trust will abound with peace following not too far behind.
Peace
What do you do when you feel like God has begun moving your heart but you have no idea why or where?
Hopefully trust will abound with peace following not too far behind.
Peace
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Broken
We are all so broken. All in different ways. Some broken for ourselves and some for others. More still broken for God and His will.
I got one of those phone calls today. The kind that everyone dreads. A man of God has gone home, forever. A man who had a heart bigger than the canyon he so loved. A spirit who lived for others and always sought to serve. He fought the fights that others wouldn't and would have risked it all to save one more.
God,
The language doesn't have the right words to explain my heart tonight. Hurt, crushed, angry, confused, sad, and releaved are only a few that come to mind. Lord pour down your peace on this family tonight as they grieve the loss of a friend, son, and brother. Thank you for the legacy of service you have woven through the heart and the hands of your servant. May he rest now in your arms without any pain, lonliness, or suffering. You are the God who has crafted the plan, and I trust in you. Give my soul peace tonight, I can't find it in this moment.
Peace
Friday, October 10, 2008
in between
Coming to you live from a hotel room in Sacramento tonight. It's 2 am, I can't sleep, the iPod is blasting in my ears and I can't seem to find a comfortable position. Jason and I are here for the week, working the Youth Specialties conference. It's been a good day. We set the booth up then had some time to kill so we went to In-N-Out and to the movies. The only thing playing was "Miracle at St.Anna" I guess I can recommend it, if you have 3 hours to spare and don't mind getting completely lost in a story. I won't say anything else in case you want to see it.
It has been over 10 days since I've written here and I have missed it. It has also been three Sunday's since I have played at church, and I have to confess here...I am missing it. There is a piece of me that is empty without it. It is how I connect most intimately with God. Some people connect through a sermon, some through reading, some through writing, praying or singing. My connection is through my guitar. And when I go several weeks without that I can tell. My soul begins to ache. My spirit longs for that intimacy. I am not spiritually dry by any means. I was thinking about the "wave" I was riding as we returned from those few days up in the mountains, (See the entry "unpacking" for context) and while I don't feel that I am still riding on top of wave, that fire is still burning.
There is something amazing about those "mountain top moments" and the spiritual highs we can sometimes get while we are up there. I think it can be equally as dangerous. It can be very easy to slip into a place where we begin to yearn for those moments and "feelings" that we experience. Those moments are powerful and often have the opportunity to shift the path of our lives. But I also know that if we allow those moments, they can become the only things that sustain our spirituality. The emotions and wholeness that I experience during a moment like the one a few weeks ago are awesome! But I cannot slip into living a life from one mountain top to the next. That is not the life that God desires for us. I do not believe it is God's will for his children to have the fire lit and be fulfilled momentarily, then struggle and fight through the day to day until the next emotional high. This seems confusing, maybe I am tired. I guess what I am trying to get at is this; those moments are awesome. The moments where God's glory is revealed in my heart and I am fulfilled in my purpose to live for Him are awesome. But I shouldn't struggle through life in search of the next great event, sermon, conference, concert or worship set. I would be childish and naive to think that those highs would last throughout every day, but it is the reality of realizing that in between those moments, the fire is still burning and He is still there. Personally it is in the in between moments that I must seek those around me to lean on and to help remind me of my fire. The passion for God is a contagious thing. When you are in a room full of 20,000 people bearing their whole soul and pouring out everything in a song to God it will move you to your knees. But that same passion remains in our hearts after the song ends. Sometimes it just might take a friend to help pick me up and remind me.
A couple of weeks ago I got two new tattoos. One on each wrist. Pretty bold no? I certainly wouldn't have put them there if I intended to hide them. They are in Greek. On the left wrist is the word pathos, which can be translated to passion. On the right wrist is the word charis, which is translated to grace. I chose these two words for very specific reasons. I chose grace because it is what gives God his utmost glory. That he would pick imperfect people to carry out His will in an imperfect world can only be explained by amazing, amazing grace. I chose passion because it is something that is instilled in each of us, but in most people may go unrealized. Passion is defined as an object of desire or deep interest, or as a deep and abiding commitment of the heart. Passion is something that is in every one of us. I believe that passion is put in our hearts by our creator. God has given each person a passion for something. It is probably safe to say that no one can tell you what you passion is. Only you know what moves your heart. It is also safe to say that it is in your passion that you will find the most fulfillment in life. The most content, joyful and fulfilled people I have ever met are people who have acknowledged their passion and have invested their lives in that thing. Those are the people that I strive to be like. I want my life to be consumed with my passion. I would beg you to search your heart, where is your passion. What is it, what does it look like? How can you grab hold of it and begin to live it out?
God,
Reveal the passion in our hearts, the passion that you have placed within us. God I pray that we would be unashamed to run after that passion with all that we have. God thank you for "mountain top moments" and for the intimacy we can experience in them. Help us not to live from mountain top to mountain top and mire through the in between. I pray for all those who are in the in between right now God, that you would sustain our spirits throughout. You are awesome and your grace is amazing. Renew it daily in my heart.
peace
It has been over 10 days since I've written here and I have missed it. It has also been three Sunday's since I have played at church, and I have to confess here...I am missing it. There is a piece of me that is empty without it. It is how I connect most intimately with God. Some people connect through a sermon, some through reading, some through writing, praying or singing. My connection is through my guitar. And when I go several weeks without that I can tell. My soul begins to ache. My spirit longs for that intimacy. I am not spiritually dry by any means. I was thinking about the "wave" I was riding as we returned from those few days up in the mountains, (See the entry "unpacking" for context) and while I don't feel that I am still riding on top of wave, that fire is still burning.
There is something amazing about those "mountain top moments" and the spiritual highs we can sometimes get while we are up there. I think it can be equally as dangerous. It can be very easy to slip into a place where we begin to yearn for those moments and "feelings" that we experience. Those moments are powerful and often have the opportunity to shift the path of our lives. But I also know that if we allow those moments, they can become the only things that sustain our spirituality. The emotions and wholeness that I experience during a moment like the one a few weeks ago are awesome! But I cannot slip into living a life from one mountain top to the next. That is not the life that God desires for us. I do not believe it is God's will for his children to have the fire lit and be fulfilled momentarily, then struggle and fight through the day to day until the next emotional high. This seems confusing, maybe I am tired. I guess what I am trying to get at is this; those moments are awesome. The moments where God's glory is revealed in my heart and I am fulfilled in my purpose to live for Him are awesome. But I shouldn't struggle through life in search of the next great event, sermon, conference, concert or worship set. I would be childish and naive to think that those highs would last throughout every day, but it is the reality of realizing that in between those moments, the fire is still burning and He is still there. Personally it is in the in between moments that I must seek those around me to lean on and to help remind me of my fire. The passion for God is a contagious thing. When you are in a room full of 20,000 people bearing their whole soul and pouring out everything in a song to God it will move you to your knees. But that same passion remains in our hearts after the song ends. Sometimes it just might take a friend to help pick me up and remind me.
A couple of weeks ago I got two new tattoos. One on each wrist. Pretty bold no? I certainly wouldn't have put them there if I intended to hide them. They are in Greek. On the left wrist is the word pathos, which can be translated to passion. On the right wrist is the word charis, which is translated to grace. I chose these two words for very specific reasons. I chose grace because it is what gives God his utmost glory. That he would pick imperfect people to carry out His will in an imperfect world can only be explained by amazing, amazing grace. I chose passion because it is something that is instilled in each of us, but in most people may go unrealized. Passion is defined as an object of desire or deep interest, or as a deep and abiding commitment of the heart. Passion is something that is in every one of us. I believe that passion is put in our hearts by our creator. God has given each person a passion for something. It is probably safe to say that no one can tell you what you passion is. Only you know what moves your heart. It is also safe to say that it is in your passion that you will find the most fulfillment in life. The most content, joyful and fulfilled people I have ever met are people who have acknowledged their passion and have invested their lives in that thing. Those are the people that I strive to be like. I want my life to be consumed with my passion. I would beg you to search your heart, where is your passion. What is it, what does it look like? How can you grab hold of it and begin to live it out?
God,
Reveal the passion in our hearts, the passion that you have placed within us. God I pray that we would be unashamed to run after that passion with all that we have. God thank you for "mountain top moments" and for the intimacy we can experience in them. Help us not to live from mountain top to mountain top and mire through the in between. I pray for all those who are in the in between right now God, that you would sustain our spirits throughout. You are awesome and your grace is amazing. Renew it daily in my heart.
peace
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Charis
Today was a crazy day. We have a black-tie fundraiser next week and I'm just trying to hold all the balloons together right now, in my head of course. The problem is, the wind is blowing and the strings are getting tangled, my hands are getting slippery and the nylon strings are sliding. I'm just afraid that if I let a few go, they'll come down somewhere I can't find them...if you followed that horrible analogy then your world probably isn't spinning quite as fast as mine is. Relish it. I know its just for a season, and it is not burdening me to the point of exhaustion, its just a lot. It will be over in a week or so. God will bring the people to the event he wants there, its out of my hands.
Anyway...on to more pressing matters.
I was thinking about privilege and honor the other day. I'm just gonna kind of vomit this out tonight and not give much thought to format so buckle up. As you all well know, this is MY blog and therefore contains my thoughts and opinions. I emailed myself 3 times from my phone yesterday whilst driving because I was thinking about what I wanted to write about.
I am a worship leader. Most of you know that about me. It is more than simply playing and leading a band...this I have come to realize. I have recently just realized that leading worship is about leading people. It is about leading people into the presence of God. Not in a sense that God is not with us already, but more in a sense of bringing people into an environment where they allow themselves to experience God. This all happens of course, totally in spite of my human rottenness. I guess what I'm getting at is that I am only a vessel. I do not attribute any amount of God moving to anything I could ever do on a guitar. What an amazing privilege it is to lead His people into that connecting place. As I write this I pray that my words would not get in the way of my heart, which is to illuminate the majesty and awesomeness of God's design. I don't fancy myself an amazing musician, simply someone blessed with the ability to play. I don't want people to see me on Sunday mornings when we worship together. Some days I wish we played from behind a curtain so as not to distract from what God is doing. I want only to serve as the doorman for our people, to help open the doors of our hearts to experience the richness and fullness, and completeness that God offers us. Is this confusing? I feel like I'm stumbling over my thoughts...above all else, I have really begun to grasp this lately. What an honor and privilege that our God, whose biggness is without rival would choose my filthy hands and rotten heart to proclaim His name. What an honor that this is His greatest desire; that we would all, as dirty and undeserving as we all are, experience His glorious grace, that it would wipe us clean, and that we would proclaim it. Not proclaim it with our voices and hands alone, but most importantly, from our hearts and souls.
That's just it though. What does that proclamation look like? It looks like Matthew 22: 36-40. Love God:Love People. How do we proclaim it with our voices and hands? We love people, no matter who they are, where they are, what they are, or how they got where they are. There doesn't have to be a reason, other than this is what God would desire. How do we proclaim it from our souls? We live it out, fully. We must give up on ourselves and lean totally on God. We must not only hear, but listen. We have to let go of our selfish ideals and motives and trust that whatever God has for us is going to be better then anything we can manufacture on our own. We may still have to sweat and bleed to get it, but it will always be better. I believe that God desires to reveal His greatness through each of us, through each of our stories. How much more does His glory shine through us when we are at the end of ourselves, when we have nothing left in the tank and we're tired of the fight?
I think that when James wrote "I count it all joy" it was because he got it, he got this. When Paul said "I rejoice in my persecution" it was not because he genuinely enjoyed pain and discomfort, it was because he got it. We shouldn't resign ourselves to live in strife, "because that's where we need God most..." but we should rejoice in the fact that in those moments, God is most at work. It is in the moments that we need Him most when He is most lifted up.
If this seems trite and too cushy, or just too religious, all I can say is this; you havn't got it yet. You may be close, you may be searching, or you may be disinterested. But I do know that once you get it, it will turn your world upside down, sideways and backwards until you only know one thing, He is up, and He is all we need.
Grace truly is an amazing, amazing revelation.
God,
Your grace is beyond measure. I pray that we would discover it daily and that it would be implanted in our hearts. Please help me to not forget what an honor and a privilege it is to serve you. There is no higher calling. I pray for my friends who, this moment, are living fearlessly for you. I pray for the NuRu Team. Light their paths. I pray for those who long for you, but do not even know that it is you they are longing for. Your grace is amazing, thank you for it.
"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out to you"
Peace
Anyway...on to more pressing matters.
I was thinking about privilege and honor the other day. I'm just gonna kind of vomit this out tonight and not give much thought to format so buckle up. As you all well know, this is MY blog and therefore contains my thoughts and opinions. I emailed myself 3 times from my phone yesterday whilst driving because I was thinking about what I wanted to write about.
I am a worship leader. Most of you know that about me. It is more than simply playing and leading a band...this I have come to realize. I have recently just realized that leading worship is about leading people. It is about leading people into the presence of God. Not in a sense that God is not with us already, but more in a sense of bringing people into an environment where they allow themselves to experience God. This all happens of course, totally in spite of my human rottenness. I guess what I'm getting at is that I am only a vessel. I do not attribute any amount of God moving to anything I could ever do on a guitar. What an amazing privilege it is to lead His people into that connecting place. As I write this I pray that my words would not get in the way of my heart, which is to illuminate the majesty and awesomeness of God's design. I don't fancy myself an amazing musician, simply someone blessed with the ability to play. I don't want people to see me on Sunday mornings when we worship together. Some days I wish we played from behind a curtain so as not to distract from what God is doing. I want only to serve as the doorman for our people, to help open the doors of our hearts to experience the richness and fullness, and completeness that God offers us. Is this confusing? I feel like I'm stumbling over my thoughts...above all else, I have really begun to grasp this lately. What an honor and privilege that our God, whose biggness is without rival would choose my filthy hands and rotten heart to proclaim His name. What an honor that this is His greatest desire; that we would all, as dirty and undeserving as we all are, experience His glorious grace, that it would wipe us clean, and that we would proclaim it. Not proclaim it with our voices and hands alone, but most importantly, from our hearts and souls.
That's just it though. What does that proclamation look like? It looks like Matthew 22: 36-40. Love God:Love People. How do we proclaim it with our voices and hands? We love people, no matter who they are, where they are, what they are, or how they got where they are. There doesn't have to be a reason, other than this is what God would desire. How do we proclaim it from our souls? We live it out, fully. We must give up on ourselves and lean totally on God. We must not only hear, but listen. We have to let go of our selfish ideals and motives and trust that whatever God has for us is going to be better then anything we can manufacture on our own. We may still have to sweat and bleed to get it, but it will always be better. I believe that God desires to reveal His greatness through each of us, through each of our stories. How much more does His glory shine through us when we are at the end of ourselves, when we have nothing left in the tank and we're tired of the fight?
I think that when James wrote "I count it all joy" it was because he got it, he got this. When Paul said "I rejoice in my persecution" it was not because he genuinely enjoyed pain and discomfort, it was because he got it. We shouldn't resign ourselves to live in strife, "because that's where we need God most..." but we should rejoice in the fact that in those moments, God is most at work. It is in the moments that we need Him most when He is most lifted up.
If this seems trite and too cushy, or just too religious, all I can say is this; you havn't got it yet. You may be close, you may be searching, or you may be disinterested. But I do know that once you get it, it will turn your world upside down, sideways and backwards until you only know one thing, He is up, and He is all we need.
Grace truly is an amazing, amazing revelation.
God,
Your grace is beyond measure. I pray that we would discover it daily and that it would be implanted in our hearts. Please help me to not forget what an honor and a privilege it is to serve you. There is no higher calling. I pray for my friends who, this moment, are living fearlessly for you. I pray for the NuRu Team. Light their paths. I pray for those who long for you, but do not even know that it is you they are longing for. Your grace is amazing, thank you for it.
"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out to you"
Peace
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
ink
not much to say tonight...cept that I got two new tattoos.
God,
Thank you for your grace. It is what moves us from day to day. Thank you for passion which you instill in each of us. Thank you for the passion you have placed in me.
Peace
God,
Thank you for your grace. It is what moves us from day to day. Thank you for passion which you instill in each of us. Thank you for the passion you have placed in me.
Peace
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Words...
Words are amazing. They have so much power at times, and at others seemingly have no effect whatsoever. Isn't it crazy just how our words shape and form the world's of those around us. In an effort to get some sleep tonight I am going to try not to ramble too much. By the way, as I type this I am wearing my new glasses...weird. So much for not rambling. Anyway...
Words are strange. For some they are all that matters, yet for others they hold no value anymore. Some would say that "someones word is their bond" but is that ever true. Sadly for me, I know that my actions do not always line up with my words. It is an interesting question to ponder though. Jesus says this in Matthew 12:34: "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." How then do we interpret someone who speaks with best intentions, yet whose actions fail to follow through? I am not suggesting that Jesus missed the point, only this; in my life, I consider a person's actions to be a more accurate representation of their heart. Intent of the heart can become quickly irrelevant when the actions of the heart are contradictory. I believe the actions of a person are what truly defines them, not what they say.
Back to words though...isn't it amazing the impact that words can have on us. Words that in other contexts would be meaningless can carry a nuclear warhead in other circumstances. And the most gut wrenching thing about our words is this...once they are out there, they can't be erased. Once my words hit someone else's ear they are burned into their brain, especially if they are hostile words. That sucks. Sometimes we just say things without thinking, and at that point, its already too late. Take for example the couple who is having a rough season in their marriage. In the heat of battle the words "I want a divorce" are fired off. A word missile of this caliber is laser guided straight for the heart. Even if there was no intent behind the words, they have struck the target and done major damage. How do you recover from a mistake like that? I don't know.
It is true though that words are like fire. Adding more fire to fire will never stop the blaze. Words poured onto hostile words, even peaceful, loving words, I'm sorry words, often do not do anything to heal the wounds created in the first place. Trust has been introduced into the mix at some point. Words without action erode trust. Trust cannot be rebuilt with words. That would be like rebuilding the walls of a city with cans of gasoline. One errant word and BOOM! Trust must be rebuilt with actions. Actions of the heart.
The thing about words and the heart is that together they can create something beautiful. I believe that God created our hearts to be impacted by others. One of the ways others can impact us is through words. God created our hearts as to be mouldable and shapable by others. Unfortunately for us, that means we have the choice. We often don't do very well in that scenario. My words have the opportunity to encourage or destroy the spirit of those around me. So often I do not consider the ramifications of my words before they escape my heart. I have been thinking about this for a while now. In what I get to do here on the mission field, and in my life in general, I come into contact with a lot of people. Our organization works with over 8000 volunteers a year, that's not counting the people we interact with across the border. We have the opportunity to be Jesus to all these people. For me in particular, when I interact with anyone, but in this case, volunteers, especially high school and college age folks, I have an awesome opportunity. I have the opportunity to let God speak through me and into someone elses heart. Words have a way of implanting themselves in people's hearts. This is God's design. How else could it be that our lives are often affected by something that was said to or about us many years ago?
At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to... I don't want a momentary lapse in judgment, or an errant slip of the tongue to be responsible for a therapy session in someone elses life ten years down the road. We have no idea of knowing how our words will impact anyone else. I do not want to waste opportunities to build others up, or implant words in their heart that would reflect the heart of God. I have such an incredible opportunity and many times I forget it. In an effort to bring this thing to some kind of scatterbrained conclusion, take a moment with me, and consider what words have impacted or shaped your life. Either in a negative, or positive way, words have helped form your character and who you are. The odds that the person who said these words to you even remembering them is likely zero. This tells me one very very important thing. It is the words I say that seem insignificant, meaningless, or inconsequential that will most likely have the greatest impact on someone else's life. I believe the same is true for you as well.
God,
Forgive me for forgetting the power you have instilled in me. Forgive me for using the opportunities to display your beauty as a weapon. God give me the wisdom to speak words of life and encouragement into the hearts of those who are around me. God, give me the patience to know when not to say anything at all. Help me to realize the impact that I might have for you. I pray now for all those in my life that have been shaped by negative, thoughtless words. Especially those who have been the victim of my words. God bring healing to the hurting, and peace to the restless. Reveal yourself to those who continue to run from you. Thank you God. Your glory is truly in the grace that you offer, time and time again.
Peace
*NOTE. The aforementioned hypothetical situation about the "divorce" comment is just that...hypothetical, and is not a word that is used in our home.
Words are strange. For some they are all that matters, yet for others they hold no value anymore. Some would say that "someones word is their bond" but is that ever true. Sadly for me, I know that my actions do not always line up with my words. It is an interesting question to ponder though. Jesus says this in Matthew 12:34: "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." How then do we interpret someone who speaks with best intentions, yet whose actions fail to follow through? I am not suggesting that Jesus missed the point, only this; in my life, I consider a person's actions to be a more accurate representation of their heart. Intent of the heart can become quickly irrelevant when the actions of the heart are contradictory. I believe the actions of a person are what truly defines them, not what they say.
Back to words though...isn't it amazing the impact that words can have on us. Words that in other contexts would be meaningless can carry a nuclear warhead in other circumstances. And the most gut wrenching thing about our words is this...once they are out there, they can't be erased. Once my words hit someone else's ear they are burned into their brain, especially if they are hostile words. That sucks. Sometimes we just say things without thinking, and at that point, its already too late. Take for example the couple who is having a rough season in their marriage. In the heat of battle the words "I want a divorce" are fired off. A word missile of this caliber is laser guided straight for the heart. Even if there was no intent behind the words, they have struck the target and done major damage. How do you recover from a mistake like that? I don't know.
It is true though that words are like fire. Adding more fire to fire will never stop the blaze. Words poured onto hostile words, even peaceful, loving words, I'm sorry words, often do not do anything to heal the wounds created in the first place. Trust has been introduced into the mix at some point. Words without action erode trust. Trust cannot be rebuilt with words. That would be like rebuilding the walls of a city with cans of gasoline. One errant word and BOOM! Trust must be rebuilt with actions. Actions of the heart.
The thing about words and the heart is that together they can create something beautiful. I believe that God created our hearts to be impacted by others. One of the ways others can impact us is through words. God created our hearts as to be mouldable and shapable by others. Unfortunately for us, that means we have the choice. We often don't do very well in that scenario. My words have the opportunity to encourage or destroy the spirit of those around me. So often I do not consider the ramifications of my words before they escape my heart. I have been thinking about this for a while now. In what I get to do here on the mission field, and in my life in general, I come into contact with a lot of people. Our organization works with over 8000 volunteers a year, that's not counting the people we interact with across the border. We have the opportunity to be Jesus to all these people. For me in particular, when I interact with anyone, but in this case, volunteers, especially high school and college age folks, I have an awesome opportunity. I have the opportunity to let God speak through me and into someone elses heart. Words have a way of implanting themselves in people's hearts. This is God's design. How else could it be that our lives are often affected by something that was said to or about us many years ago?
At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to... I don't want a momentary lapse in judgment, or an errant slip of the tongue to be responsible for a therapy session in someone elses life ten years down the road. We have no idea of knowing how our words will impact anyone else. I do not want to waste opportunities to build others up, or implant words in their heart that would reflect the heart of God. I have such an incredible opportunity and many times I forget it. In an effort to bring this thing to some kind of scatterbrained conclusion, take a moment with me, and consider what words have impacted or shaped your life. Either in a negative, or positive way, words have helped form your character and who you are. The odds that the person who said these words to you even remembering them is likely zero. This tells me one very very important thing. It is the words I say that seem insignificant, meaningless, or inconsequential that will most likely have the greatest impact on someone else's life. I believe the same is true for you as well.
God,
Forgive me for forgetting the power you have instilled in me. Forgive me for using the opportunities to display your beauty as a weapon. God give me the wisdom to speak words of life and encouragement into the hearts of those who are around me. God, give me the patience to know when not to say anything at all. Help me to realize the impact that I might have for you. I pray now for all those in my life that have been shaped by negative, thoughtless words. Especially those who have been the victim of my words. God bring healing to the hurting, and peace to the restless. Reveal yourself to those who continue to run from you. Thank you God. Your glory is truly in the grace that you offer, time and time again.
Peace
*NOTE. The aforementioned hypothetical situation about the "divorce" comment is just that...hypothetical, and is not a word that is used in our home.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Unpacking...
not sure where to really begin with this catharsis...
Last night I saw the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. This is not an exaggeration! I was literally in the middle of nowhere. No cell phones, no email, no TV, only stillness. I have been around the world and seen many things. I have seen sculptures, buildings, rivers, mountains and even the most famous works of art. I have seen some of the most beautiful things ever created by man. I have seen the best we have to put out there. Last night it was all insignificant. I looked up at the night sky. I was 30 miles from the nearest gas station an 20 miles from the nearest major road. The only lights we're the those in the heavens. I have seen stars before, tons of stars. But never, ever before had I seen more stars than I could count. Now literally speaking I could have counted the stars before, it would have taken forever because there were many, but this was different. As I looked up and my eyes adjusted to the darkness I was blown away. There were literally more stars than I could comprehend. There were stars between stars between stars. And between those were more stars. Everywhere! I was struggling to take it all in. The only thought I had in that moment was "there is no possible way, for any camera, artist, man-made anything to capture this beauty. There is no way that the greatness of the heavens can be re-created, duplicated, or imitated. Only a God who is "beauty fulfilled" could be capable of creating such a magnificent expression of limitless beauty"
Emily referred to this as my "starfish moment." If you've read "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, you understand. It was an awesome moment, and one that I want to remember forever. This revelation came on the heals of what might be the healthiest discussions of the year for me. I have found that in my life, some of the best conversations I've ever had occur in the middle of the night. Wednesday night I found myself with a friend, in a truck, with nothing but time. The conversation lasted only 3 hours, but it was filled with potentially life impacting words. The honesty and transparency throughout the conversation was without boundaries.
I feel like I have unpacked a bag that I was carrying. I was not even aware that I was carrying this bag. Much of what I will write next will probably not make total sense to everyone. But it needs to be said, I need to put it out there. This is the story of how God broke my heart this week.
What would be the greatest honor? I realized, the other night, what the answer to that question is. I am in the midst of living out the answer. I am a missionary. I have been given the honor to taking the story of grace, and telling everyone who will hear. I am privileged to share my days with the most amazing group of people on the planet. God has chosen a group of really really dirty people to proclaim His name throughout the city of Juarez, Mexico. Furthermore, I feel there is no higher calling than to be called to serve God with everything we have. This is a universal call, made to all who would acknowledge Him. The fact that we have submitted our lives to this call does not set us on a higher plain than those who refuse the call. Rather, this act of submission opens the door wide for God to work mightily through us. Piper puts it this way "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him." That is a fantastic summary of what I have realized in my heart over the past 48 hours.
I am not called to be a missionary for a season in my life. It is a life calling, and one that I am prepared to accept. There would be no greater honor than to serve my God for all my days. Wow...that's a big thing to put out there. But it is my heart.
In addition to this awakening I have also decided a few things. Perfection is not something that can ever be achieved, but should it be sought? This is a struggle, especially in today's Christian culture. Here's my take...drink it in and then ponder. God was fully engaged and intentional in the creation process when he brought about the world. Equally, God was fully engaged and intentional as he walked among us in the life of Jesus. Most of all God is fully engaged and intentional in this moment. He has not simply laid a plan out for my life and left me to wander it aimlessly. I am not a bowling ball slowly rolling down an alley with bumpers, drifting side to side, whose course is only affected when it meets an immovable object or obstacle. We are not created this way. Life is not an obstacle course we must endure in order to gain the prize at the end! In response to Gods intentionality and investment it would only seem fair that I would strive to reflect that attitude. The thing that really broke my heart this week is coming to realization that it is me that affects my reflection. It is not God's lack of intentionality that reflects poorly in my life. It is my lack of intentionality that pollutes the beauty that God desires to reveal in my life.
As a result of this realization I am recommitting my heart to God. I am committing that in all that I am and all I say that I would desire to be intentional. I will not waste opportunities any longer. God deserves the very best I have to give. After all, He did give us the very best he had, Jesus. I am overwhelmed with the thought that God would choose me. That the God who knows all that I am, all that I'm not, and all that I can be, but choose not to be, to be His servant, His messenger, His reflection. What an honor! I am truly blessed. I am blessed to work with the best people I know. A group of individuals who can all agree on one thing. We wake up every morning with one job, to spread the good news throughout our world. I am blessed to have a wife that understands all that I have just poured out, and shares the same feelings. I am blessed to have a family who supports my desire to seek God's will.
I guess where this is all going is this. I get it. I really get it. Even still, in this moment now, 48 hours later, I can still feel it in my stomach. I get it.
Do you get it? You will know when you do. It will scare you to death, rock your world, and capture your heart, but it is so worth it. The glory is in the grace. His glory is in His grace!
God,
I pray that you would implant your desires in our hearts. Help us to get it. Everyday. Help us to become ok with accepting whatever you have for us. Help us to trust and believe that you are who you say you are, and that your plans are so much bigger and more beautiful than any we could ever imagine. God, thank you for the stars in the heavens. Help us to remember that your creation will always be more beautiful than anything we could create with our filthy hands and rotten hearts. God, thank you for friends in trucks.
Peace
Last night I saw the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. This is not an exaggeration! I was literally in the middle of nowhere. No cell phones, no email, no TV, only stillness. I have been around the world and seen many things. I have seen sculptures, buildings, rivers, mountains and even the most famous works of art. I have seen some of the most beautiful things ever created by man. I have seen the best we have to put out there. Last night it was all insignificant. I looked up at the night sky. I was 30 miles from the nearest gas station an 20 miles from the nearest major road. The only lights we're the those in the heavens. I have seen stars before, tons of stars. But never, ever before had I seen more stars than I could count. Now literally speaking I could have counted the stars before, it would have taken forever because there were many, but this was different. As I looked up and my eyes adjusted to the darkness I was blown away. There were literally more stars than I could comprehend. There were stars between stars between stars. And between those were more stars. Everywhere! I was struggling to take it all in. The only thought I had in that moment was "there is no possible way, for any camera, artist, man-made anything to capture this beauty. There is no way that the greatness of the heavens can be re-created, duplicated, or imitated. Only a God who is "beauty fulfilled" could be capable of creating such a magnificent expression of limitless beauty"
Emily referred to this as my "starfish moment." If you've read "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, you understand. It was an awesome moment, and one that I want to remember forever. This revelation came on the heals of what might be the healthiest discussions of the year for me. I have found that in my life, some of the best conversations I've ever had occur in the middle of the night. Wednesday night I found myself with a friend, in a truck, with nothing but time. The conversation lasted only 3 hours, but it was filled with potentially life impacting words. The honesty and transparency throughout the conversation was without boundaries.
I feel like I have unpacked a bag that I was carrying. I was not even aware that I was carrying this bag. Much of what I will write next will probably not make total sense to everyone. But it needs to be said, I need to put it out there. This is the story of how God broke my heart this week.
What would be the greatest honor? I realized, the other night, what the answer to that question is. I am in the midst of living out the answer. I am a missionary. I have been given the honor to taking the story of grace, and telling everyone who will hear. I am privileged to share my days with the most amazing group of people on the planet. God has chosen a group of really really dirty people to proclaim His name throughout the city of Juarez, Mexico. Furthermore, I feel there is no higher calling than to be called to serve God with everything we have. This is a universal call, made to all who would acknowledge Him. The fact that we have submitted our lives to this call does not set us on a higher plain than those who refuse the call. Rather, this act of submission opens the door wide for God to work mightily through us. Piper puts it this way "God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him." That is a fantastic summary of what I have realized in my heart over the past 48 hours.
I am not called to be a missionary for a season in my life. It is a life calling, and one that I am prepared to accept. There would be no greater honor than to serve my God for all my days. Wow...that's a big thing to put out there. But it is my heart.
In addition to this awakening I have also decided a few things. Perfection is not something that can ever be achieved, but should it be sought? This is a struggle, especially in today's Christian culture. Here's my take...drink it in and then ponder. God was fully engaged and intentional in the creation process when he brought about the world. Equally, God was fully engaged and intentional as he walked among us in the life of Jesus. Most of all God is fully engaged and intentional in this moment. He has not simply laid a plan out for my life and left me to wander it aimlessly. I am not a bowling ball slowly rolling down an alley with bumpers, drifting side to side, whose course is only affected when it meets an immovable object or obstacle. We are not created this way. Life is not an obstacle course we must endure in order to gain the prize at the end! In response to Gods intentionality and investment it would only seem fair that I would strive to reflect that attitude. The thing that really broke my heart this week is coming to realization that it is me that affects my reflection. It is not God's lack of intentionality that reflects poorly in my life. It is my lack of intentionality that pollutes the beauty that God desires to reveal in my life.
As a result of this realization I am recommitting my heart to God. I am committing that in all that I am and all I say that I would desire to be intentional. I will not waste opportunities any longer. God deserves the very best I have to give. After all, He did give us the very best he had, Jesus. I am overwhelmed with the thought that God would choose me. That the God who knows all that I am, all that I'm not, and all that I can be, but choose not to be, to be His servant, His messenger, His reflection. What an honor! I am truly blessed. I am blessed to work with the best people I know. A group of individuals who can all agree on one thing. We wake up every morning with one job, to spread the good news throughout our world. I am blessed to have a wife that understands all that I have just poured out, and shares the same feelings. I am blessed to have a family who supports my desire to seek God's will.
I guess where this is all going is this. I get it. I really get it. Even still, in this moment now, 48 hours later, I can still feel it in my stomach. I get it.
Do you get it? You will know when you do. It will scare you to death, rock your world, and capture your heart, but it is so worth it. The glory is in the grace. His glory is in His grace!
God,
I pray that you would implant your desires in our hearts. Help us to get it. Everyday. Help us to become ok with accepting whatever you have for us. Help us to trust and believe that you are who you say you are, and that your plans are so much bigger and more beautiful than any we could ever imagine. God, thank you for the stars in the heavens. Help us to remember that your creation will always be more beautiful than anything we could create with our filthy hands and rotten hearts. God, thank you for friends in trucks.
Peace
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